Angela Tang
when I used to obsessively walk across the two bridges at three am
when I used to obsessively walk across the two bridges sometimes at three am and just wonder wtf was wrong with me and signing on to the internet incognito mode to see what he was up to online and walking down his street like the clown I was all dressed up in my clunky shoes with a smile on my face pantomiming the box I was stuck in and won’t you let me out let me out let me out of this unbearable universe.
no but I was so freaking unwell in a habitually not sleeping enough and being knocked right back into consciousness full of anxiety kind of way and then thinking that my job was going to fire me when I got my performance review back and it was all marked up with “not meeting expectations” but continued to wake up and go to work where my only friend was the facilities guy who always saved me the dandelion green tea knowing that it was my favorite because he saw me look for it one time in the break room.
and then falling for horrible men who treated me poorly but I just wanted to f anyway. and using my christian faith as a weird moral righteous ground to pretend that I didn’t want to do the things we did even tho I wanted it just as much if not more. and to basically withhold withhold withhold until they were chasing me like a dog trying to catch its own shadow and thinking it was all kind of hot.
and going skating down his street blasting music thru my headphones and disturbing all the neighborhood dogs who would be barking while the skateboard hit the asphalt so loudly and made me feel sort of liberated in a sort of fuck it attitude waking the entire neighborhood up on a Sunday morning and also me wanting to be seen by him that way in a sort of hello I am doing just fine can’t you see? bc I wanted him to see while I pretended not to see or care even tho all I did was see and care.
and then one day I actually did see him. I was walking north of the bridge and he was walking south, on the way back or on the way to something. I wasn’t really walking towards or away from anything and was simply stuck every day, multiple times a day. I pretended to look to the right because he was literally within arms reach of me. we never actually stopped to exchange any hello how are you’s. I play that imaginary conversation that never happened in my head now.
how are you? good–and here, I would give him a beautiful radiant smile like the clown I was because I had been faking my wellness for a while now and it was really starting to show in the form of weight fluctuations and pimples and hyperpigmentation–and he would smile a bit back and say oh, that’s really good to hear, [your name]. and he would say [your name] and it would make [your name] feel seen but in a guilty false-consciousness kind of way and then his dog would let out a bark signaling that it was time to leave and he would take that as a cue to end the conversation that never really began and say that it was really nice to catch up and See you. Leaving out the ‘later’ in ‘see you later’ and there he goes again never taking accountability and leaving before anything happens.
so I continue by saying I’ve been good, really good can’t you tell? tears streaming down my face and even started applying to some writing fellowships. I propose that I am about to write something really serious and important and that all I need to write something really Serious and Important is the funding. I am working on a novel about an asian american girl who travels to europe but not in a self-discovery/ eat-pray-love kind of way and more in a self-aware community seeking way. It’s okay if you don’t believe me because I don’t really believe it myself anyway.
he seemed to be listening but his eyes wandered off to the distance and his dog was tugging at the leash and he checked his apple watch and said oh it’s getting late. and that’s how we would end. abruptly.
